Waking up after a meaningless ordeal of trying to sleep with random thoughts bouncing in my mind prolonging the darkened night. Only brought a frightful image of despair to begin my day. My mind was still in a dismal cloud circumventing the nature of my existence
Its been about two weeks since I left my x love of four years. No particular reason why, it was just difficult dealing with other people, accepting their ideas, there thoughts, their wants and needs. I have been in a rut for the past five years, after my wife of twenty-five years past away from breast cancer, I slid into a spiral decline. A crevasse so deep that candlelight would have been a flicker of hope.
As I step outside I could feel the sun trying to encourage my thoughts of the day with its warming ray. It has been strange weather for Cleveland during the month of February, warm, sunny, and dry; I was enjoying it, being better than snow, with me working outside most of the time, it was a welcome change.
I was in the Home Improvement business and I was to head out to a customer on the Westside of town. I was on the Interstate for a few minutes, when my chest started to explode, pulsating with such intensity that fear rushed into my mind. It was only six months back that I had past out on my motorcycle and broke three ribs.
Except this time it was different, I was still awake, my chest felt like bombs going off. My whole body was vibrating, with a cold chill running down my spine. Slowly the fear left my mind and I could feel the presence of love and comfort engaging my physical self. The fear that was so pronounced turned into sexual ecstasy, bliss, a wanting to be held within the pain of engagement without end. Except as it arrived unannounced it diminuend without any thought of my desires.
I was dumfounded, I felt that I crossed a bridge into the twilight zone; I had no explanation except for one, my x love. We were close, possibly too close to each other. I suspected it was she and I stopped at the first phone that I could fine, but to no avail.
I called her at work, she did not answer and I left a message asking what she was thinking about five minutes ago. Was it a strange or dumb request, I dont know.
I was confused since my departure, was I right was I wrong for leaving her. We live in a strange world of beliefs within our own anxieties.
I was at the customer for a half hour and I headed back to my place. Questions were abundant flying through my head without recourse, what happened?
The ride back home seemed a little longer with all the thoughts bouncing back and forth; I just got on the exit lane to my place as the earlier sequence of events started all over again. It came back in a nightmarish way, more intense. The exit had a long sweeping turn, and I was having difficulty maintaining my lane and slowing down. The vibrations were throughout the body, I felt slightly dazed and euphoric at the same time, and perspiration came about with the feeling of love and adoration.
I was hard to tell how long it lasted all I could say was that is was the most rewarding experience I ever had.
I wasnt till the next day my x called me; she was a little apprehensive in talking to me. She was startled with my phone call and my question of her thoughts at roughly 11 oclock of the previous day. She started to tell me a story, possibly out of the Twilight Zone. Of how she took the day off to work around the house and as she was washing the floor thoughts of our love ran through her head. It was approximately the same time that I had my first episode on the Interstate.
A few minutes later she checked her phone messages in work and was surprised to hear my question and decided to test my abilities.
She lay down on her bed and started thinking of me, thoughts of love abounded as well of mental and physical escapades brought about mental and spiritual climax, although latent. Causing an event in my life that changes the world I live in.
With her message of love those few minutes in time allowed me to realize the world as a whole, a single element interconnected in a bizarre world we call Earth. Connected through Love in away that we cannot understand.
In those few minutes that catapulted my mind in a game of life exhibited an attitude of condolences. It allowed me to realize I was in contact with my own inner nature, a voice so quiet and silent that a special event was needed to become aware of my own Self.
That was ten years ago. Within the passing years it has caused me to search for answers in the libraries of the world but to no avail. It took a while for me to understand just as I received her message of love through a latent force of energy. That all the answers I search for are latent forms of energy instilled before my birth, all within myself, all available, all within reach.
The sad part is, as the answers come into the world that I knew changes the world that I live in, I am not hungry anymore, sex is not what it uses to be and as I write this beer I am drinking only makes me go pee.
So as I sit here drinking my beer, I question the events in my life? Were they of good fortune or a plague, it does not matter anymore, the door is open and there is no turning back.